Just recently I became a “bathroom porter”. That’s the official title of my prison job. My duties include cleaning toilets and urinals.
I’m in a long term minimum unit. That means all the cells are “dry cells”. Dry cells have no toilets or sinks. So everyone shares a community bathroom.
For the past 3 months, someone has been shitting all over one of the toilets. This guy leaves the toilet looking like a shit bomb has exploded in the bowl. When I go to clean it, I close my eyes & hold my breath as I blindly work the toilet brush and continuously flush. This particular situation takes me to the threshold of what I can physically tolerate.
Just when I think it can’t get any worse, it does.
The shit bandit completely misses, and shits all over the back of the toilet, the wall, and the handle.
The second I see it I turn away and say, “Hell no!”
Some guy looks at me and says, “Hell no what?”, as if I was talking to him.
As I nod my head towards the shit infested commode, I tell him to look in the stall. He does. His reaction is worse than mine as he shouts out some obscenities.
The guard walks over and asks, “What’s all the commotion about?”
“Look in that stall,” I say.
Then he turns to me, “Looks like it’s a shitty day to be a bathroom porter.”
I respond, “With all due respect sir, I can’t clean that up.”
“Why not?”, he demands.
“Because my gag reflex won’t allow it. I’ll throw up. It’s just too much for me to handle.”
The guard looks at me like I’m BS’ing.
I continue, “It’s all I can do to clean up just the small speckles of shit without puking. I simply can’t do it.”
He finds two other porters to clean up the huge mess of shit.
As the days go on, this shit bandit is still blowing up this one toilet. It amazes me how this one scumbag can have constant diarrhea day in & day out. And why is he always leaving such a big mess behind?
At this point, it’s starting to piss me off. I consider paying one of these lames to do a toilet stakeout to find out who’s doing this. But before it gets to that point, the shit bandit exposes himself!
One morning, Niel B. Nutter #303537, comes rushing out of his cell. He’s a fat, nasty, old biker-looking dude who uses a cane to get around. As he’s bolting towards the bathroom, he has shit running all down his leg.
He’s moving fast for an old man with a cane…but not fast enough.
Wearing boxers & gym shorts, he loses complete control and unleashes a huge load of diarrhea. It’s now running down both of his legs as he leaves a revolting trail of shit from his cell to the exact stall that’s been covered in shit for months!
The guys in the dayroom hoot, holler, & laugh as they witness this.
The commotion gets the attention of several other inmates, who otherwise would’ve missed it. Before long, guys are coming out of their cells to see what’s going on.
As one guy exits his cell, he slips in a clump of shit and almost falls. The dayroom erupts in laughter.
Needless to say, the Shit Bandit was exposed.
After getting an ear full from all his peers, Niel now takes a few extra minutes to clean the toilet after every shit.